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The Dark Days, Long Night's my fight with the demon of depression and getting kicked out of Bible college
Depression, so deep I
just wanted to die, it was the end of the semester, I had just finished
working on the word in time Easter play at my church, all my papers were due at
the same time, I was failing two classes, my dad came to visit the college after
5 years of no contact, my favorite professor Dale P. had passed away in a scuba
diving accident all my friends had graduated in my class. I was talking to
this girl on the internet and she came to visit the campus and left the same day
a 10 hour drive back to nc, and didn't tell anyone she was leaving.
the thing that made me go over the top was what happened with neda, a girl i met
online who i had gone out with on a date, i was suppose to go back up and meet
her again and she wrote me a nasty letter saying do not come up. I had no
clue about my future, I was very lonely and afraid, my prayer life hit a wall, i
was the leader of the schools intercessory prayer group and only a few students
wanted to pray regularly, what i had planned on doing was getting on a bus as
far as 27 dollars would get me or go to my friend's Tony's house, or just run
into traffic, smash my car into a tree, I had all these thoughts, I had
let sin in and felt like i was failing God. I didn't want to go to class
especially English class because my x girlfriend Susan was in that class, just
seeing her hurt me from what happened. I was suppose to do my internship
and had no clue where overseas i was going, or how to get the 3,000 for the
trip. or 20,000 for my school loan, it was like everything hit me all at
once, going home was dreadful my step dad was mean and I wasn't happy there. To
say the least i was overwhelmed, tired, and listening to the voice of the
demons whisper in my ear saying "just end it all", X. a person i had had
counseling with had committed suicide, I had no way to pay for college the
next semester if i failed my classes, my gpa was on the borderline of being cut
off from financial aid, so there was a ton of pressure. in the last few
weeks of class I went to talk with Dr Ma., and Dr Mi. and Professor Di., in that
order, I remember going to dr mi. office and just crying, I had taken the class
before because i had failed it, and just wanted to pass it this time, Greek 1b
was killing me and i needed it to graduate, so I went to talk about my grades
and all this other stuff started popping in my head, In Professor Di. room, I
told him how i was feeling, He called Tim w. and Dr Ne., but they weren't in so
we walked to the lunch room, where then we walked to the old prayer lounge, a
place i had spent hours and hours in prayer, I could not speak, I felt only
pain, I just wanted it to stop, I forget all who were in that room, but I was
given three options, 1.) Go Home 2.) Check into the Hospital 3.) They would
check me in, the first one wasn't and option cause i knew if i went home like i
was i would end up dead, and three wasn't so appealing either, so i chose to
check my self in, they walked me to the security office where i sat and
waited, they were going to call the police to pick me up but they got the school
van, we all piled in and they drove me to Paoli hospital, where i was in a small
room, I sat and thought why doesn't anyone have the Holy Spirit to pray for
deliverance for me from depression, didn't they see this was a spiritual battle.
I was checked in, and they left. The first night there i was given pills
before even seeing a doctor, my two weeks there i shared my heart, as much as i
could in the natural, trying to deal with a supernatural problem, i did get to
minister to the people there, there was a piano there that i played worship
songs on, so i get out 2 weeks later, no one had come to visit me. It was
like i was forgotten. I get back to campus by this time all the classes
had ended, ( i was charged
chapel
cut fines too) but i got back to campus to pack up my stuff, and write when i am
done Tim wolf hands me the letter, didn't say much, when i read it my heart was
filled with hurt and anger. This was not the write time to tell me that.
Had they told me this before i went in the hospital by the way which the bill
was over $100,000 dollars. I went home for the summer and went to
counseling for a few months and then went to stay with my grandma in NY, I
worked and went to church, and wanted off the paxil. So i went off
them. Two days before i was suppose to return Mr Mc. calls me and says he
found out i was off my meds and i can not come back, after practically begging
to give me a second chance, he said ok but i had to sign paperwork and go see a
psychologist and meet with paul l. regularly but they would not offer
counseling. I was pissed, I went back, two weeks later a freshman named
jim and i went to the local bar, had a few beers got drunk, being angry and
being drunk do not mix, when Jim had said he wanted nothing to do with The
college or God i flipped out, I was so angry at myself, I threw the toilet bowl
cover, not at him but i wouldn't break the first time, Jim said he would take
the fall for
me,
all i had to do was go back to my room and go to sleep, no one would know, I
knew I had already been kicked out so I chose to tell the truth but everyone was
sleeping, so i went back to my room put on Keith green my eyes are dry and heart
is hard my prayers are cold, as loud as i could, I screamed at the top of my
lungs GOD! that's all that would come out, the i went to Steve and jims room and
threw a fire extinguisher through there door window, everyone woke up, I
was about to take my pills when God touched me, said stop. When security
came to my room my pills were on the floor and I was feeling the effect of the
drinking, I don't know what i said, but i remember the ambulance came, and
screaming on my way out that no one came to visit me, I was taken to
Phoenixville hospital where i was till 5 am with Paul and mr m., I was
sent back to paolie hospital, they funny thing was this time they came to visit,
Tony Morris, was there for me, we prayed there and God began a work in me to
heal me, also another interesting thing was a guy from the first time i was in
the hospital came in a few days before me. I got to continue to minister to him
and other people but this time i let God begin to heal me. then Tony Morris
asked me to work at the Greenery in ministry (Pottstown) that God starting
healing me more 7 years later and allot of pain and hardship I have forgiven the
college, and have been set free of depression, I have more stress now then
i did at college but I found my source of true peace in JESUS.
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(letter being kicked out for drinking)
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after I went to Lackawanna college, ( VFCC would not give me my transcript) I graduated from Lackawanna college
and emailed the president, I received
this letter.
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Does God still have a plan for my life? is there hope? The answer is yes, if you are struggling with the demon of Depression There is hope and freedom and it doesn't always come with meds, or worldly advice, it comes by the healing power of Jesus His peace, His hope, I truly wanted to die in 1998 I didn't want to get out of bed, but God touched this broken life and had set me free. Now i am called to help others be free by telling the truth, the good the bad and the uglee, It was wrong for the college not to visit me in the hospital, it was wrong for me to break there rules of not drinking, but in the end God made everything all right, sin does not pay and i would give anything to return to that moment and not go with Jim to the bar.
Will i ever get to speak in chapel to tell the students in order to prepare for a life of service there is a price to pay, but the good news is Jesus paid it, no attack of the devil can keep you from God's purpose. but out poor choices can detour us and cause much pain. we must stay in prayer and have compassion for one another and be there for each other. We must be the light to each other and then to the world.
for more details email me or if you remember these events, email me and i will post them.
God Restores,Revives,Renews