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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Dark Days, Long Night's my fight with the demon of depression and getting kicked out of Bible college Depression, so deep
I just wanted to die, it was the end of the semester, I had just finished
working on the word in time Easter play at my church, all my papers were due at
the same time, I was failing two classes, my dad came to visit the college after
5 years of no contact, my favorite professor Dale P. had passed away in a scuba
diving accident all my friends had graduated in my class. I was talking to
this girl on the internet and she came to visit the campus and left the same day
a 10 hour drive back to nc, and didn't tell anyone she was leaving.
the thing that made me go over the top was what happened with neda, a girl i met
online who i had gone out with on a date, i was suppose to go back up and meet
her again and she wrote me a nasty letter saying do not come up. I had no
clue about my future, I was very lonely and afraid, my prayer life hit a wall, i
was the leader of the schools intercessory prayer group and only a few students
wanted to pray regularly, what i had planned on doing was getting on a bus as
far as 27 dollars would get me or go to my friend's Tony's house, or just run
into traffic, smash my car into a tree, I had all these thoughts, I had
let sin in and felt like i was failing God. I didn't want to go to class
especially English class because my x girlfriend Susan was in that class, just
seeing her hurt me from what happened. I was suppose to do my internship
and had no clue where overseas i was going, or how to get the 3,000 for the
trip. or 20,000 for my school loan, it was like everything hit me all at
once, going home was dreadful my step dad was mean and I wasn't happy there. To
say the least i was overwhelmed, tired, and listening to the voice of the
demons whisper in my ear saying "just end it all", X. a person i had had
counseling with had committed suicide, I had no way to pay for college the
next semester if i failed my classes, my gpa was on the borderline of being cut
off from financial aid, so there was a ton of pressure. in the last few
weeks of class I went to talk with Dr Ma., and Dr Mi. and Professor Di., in that
order, I remember going to dr mi. office and just crying, I had taken the class
before because i had failed it, and just wanted to pass it this time, Greek 1b
was killing me and i needed it to graduate, so I went to talk about my grades
and all this other stuff started popping in my head, In Professor Di. room, I
told him how i was feeling, He called Tim w. and Dr Ne., but they weren't in so
we walked to the lunch room, where then we walked to the old prayer lounge, a
place i had spent hours and hours in prayer, I could not speak, I felt only
pain, I just wanted it to stop, I forget all who were in that room, but I was
given three options, 1.) Go Home 2.) Check into the Hospital 3.) They would
check me in, the first one wasn't and option cause i knew if i went home like i
was i would end up dead, and three wasn't so appealing either, so i chose to
check my self in, they walked me to the security office where i sat and
waited, they were going to call the police to pick me up but they got the school
van, we all piled in and they drove me to paiolie hospital, where i was in a
small room, I sat and thought why doesn't anyone have the Holy Spirit to pray
for deliverance for me from depression, didn't they see this was a spiritual
battle. I was checked in, and they left. The first night there i was
given pills before even seeing a doctor, my two weeks there i shared my heart,
as much as i could in the natural, trying to deal with a supernatural problem, i
did get to minister to the people there, there was a piano there that i played
worship songs on, so i get out 2 weeks later, no one had come to visit me.
It was like i was forgotten. I get back to campus by
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(letter being kicked out for drinking) --------------------------
after I went to Lackawanna college, ( VFCC would not give me my transcript) I graduated from Lackawanna college and emailed the president, I received
this letter. --------------------------- Does God still have a plan for my life? is there hope? The answer is yes, if you are struggling with the demon of Depression There is hope and freedom and it doesn't always come with meds, or worldly advice, it comes by the healing power of Jesus His peace, His hope, I truly wanted to die in 1998 I didn't want to get out of bed, but God touched this broken life and had set me free. Now i am called to help others be free by telling the truth, the good the bad and the uglee, It was wrong for the college not to visit me in the hospital, it was wrong for me to break there rules of not drinking, but in the end God made everything all right, sin does not pay and i would give anything to return to that moment and not go with Jim to the bar. Will i ever get to speak in chapel to tell the students in order to prepare for a life of service there is a price to pay, but the good news is Jesus paid it, no attack of the devil can keep you from God's purpose. but out poor choices can detour us and cause much pain. we must stay in prayer and have compassion for one another and be there for each other. We must be the light to each other and then to the world.
for more details email me or if you remember these events, email me and i will post them. info@davesroom.org
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